Finally Found My Passion

Do you ever have a number of things that you have to accomplish-none of them super pressing-but you don't know where to begin?  That's the boat I'm in right now, a bunch of semi long-term goals that I need to accomplish but I don't know where to start.  Sure I want to work on my manuscript and I also want to begin unit planning for the fall.  But at the same time I want to do research for an upcoming big change in my life.  Is it weird that I'm scared and or intimidated by these pretty large, long-term tasks?  Is my procrastination here normal?  And if so does it mean that I don't really want to make the unit plans, or write my book, or make a big life change?  That's a glimpse into my head right now and what's going on there.  I should probably just take the rational approach and at random choose one thing at a time and just start working on it.  Of course when emotions, nerves, and anxieties are involved it's rarely and option to follow the path of logic.  That's one of the many beauties of life though (at least in this part of the world):  often times you have the option of choosing your own path.  Sometimes I honestly wish it was just mapped out for me and that by now I would have had a steady income, secure job, and money in the bank.  Too bad some of us take a little while to discover their passions while others know their life direction from a young age. 

During undergrad everyone always said, 'Major what you're passionate in.'  At that point I was passionate about sports, girls, and sitting on a beach on a tropical island and relaxing.  I also didn't have the ability to think out of the box and find a way where I could work my passions into a steady career.  So I took a general major in liberal arts and got my BA.  Then took a year off and figured out that teaching would be my direction.  Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy teaching and I think that I'll be very successful at it, but lately I've really just wanted to focus on writing.  Recently I've wanted to do nothing except for write full time (well plus other fun activities and exercise mixed in but regarding my career I want to write full-time).  Sometimes I wish that I had just forgone the teacher's certificate and just gone for an MFA (Master's in Fine Arts) in Creative Writing.  It's not too late but I've just been bothered by the fact that I finally feel like I've found my passion, in the field of writing, and yet again I've wasted more schooling following something that I'm not 100% into.  Teaching will be great and I know I'll be happy doing it, I just know I'd be happier writing that's all.  Of course I can't change the past, as much as I'd like to, but I can't help but wonder how my life would have been different if I made some different decisions with my past.  For instance, what if I had majored in English Lit in Undergrad?  Would I have discovered my passion for writing sooner?  Would I have even dared to major in English being that when I was an undergrad I didn't read for pleasure at all?  And why start at undergrad; what if I had discovered my passion for writing earlier, in middle or high school.  I could have started writing so much earlier and been so much farther with my craft than I am today.  So many 'what ifs' that it's difficult to find them all. 

This whole passion discovery process is a bit disheartening because it makes me feel like I didn't even know myself for the first twenty two and a half years of my life.  Whenever I would hear people talking about finding themselves I would think, 'That's such bullshit, who doesn't know themselves?'  I always felt like I knew myself well and knew what I wanted but now that I look back on the decisions that I made and the direction that I'm, currently moving in nothing from my past adds up.  It's weird thinking that for so long I was making all of these decisions thinking they were the right ones for me when now I see that so many of my major life decisions in the past were pretty poor.  Hopefully as I age I'll grow wiser, and I honestly feel like I am.  I really hope that I've found my passion with writing because quite frankly I'm sick of changing my direction in life.  I want to go somewhere, find a career, build a life, and in 50 years look back and be happy with that life.  I'm pretty sure that's what most people want, but how many people are actually content with their lives and the decisions that they make when they look back?  I have a few major life decisions coming up within the next year, let's hope that I've learned from my past mistakes.