Foreword: Ok people I'm attempting a short story here. It's along the lines of my novel with setting and characters but not conducive to the main point. I just wanted to play around with the short story genre and see what I could come up with. That being said I know this is raw and unpolished so please if you see and grammatical or stylistic errors try to ignore them. I'd really appreciate if anyone who reads my story gives their honest opinions and criticisms. Thanks and enjoy.
The Day Jake Fein Had Enough
It was just another day for Jake, starting off with Biology in Mr. Kallerman's class. Jake always found it challenging to stay awake during the boring lectures about mitochondria and cell nuclei, but the one thing that always kept him focused was Rachel Golding. Rachel sat one seat up and to the left from Jake and he always admired her for numerous reasons. She wasn't the prettiest girl in the grade, or the smartest, but she just seemed to have a nice combination of positive qualities. Her smile was always present, and when she spoke her voice and assertive; but not so loud that it was annoying like those know it all girls who always raised their hand. Rachel's brown curly hair was never combed perfectly, but was always messed up in a way that complemented her well, and perfectly reflected her personality of a carefree, happy-go-lucky girl.
Rachel's personality was really what drew Jake's attention. Unlike just about every other girl in the school Rachel was actually nice to Jake. When they made eye contact she would smile and say hello, while other girls would cringe and look away. She treated Jake like a human being and not the awkward social outcast that he was. Of course, she treated everyone like that, but for Jake it made him feel extra special because a. He rarely received such treatment from his peers and b. She was a pretty girl and Jake had never had a pretty girl in his life, as a friend or as a girlfriend. All of these thoughts ran through Jake's head numerous times throughout first period until something would break his focus. On this morning the break of focus came courtesy of Ryan McNeal, who for all intensive purposes was Jake's arch nemesis.
Ryan was not only Jake's arch nemesis, but also Jake's complete opposite. McNeal was athletic, good looking, popular, confident, and came from money so he dressed well and when he turned 16 would surely drive the nicest car in the grade. Naturally, McNeal's social standing gave him the right to pick on what he called 'bottom-feeders' and Jake happened to be at the top of that list. On this particular morning McNeal began his assault quite early, catching Jake off guard. "Hey loser, hey faggot," he said to Jake while snickering along with his two minions Matt Hankerson and Chris Simmons. Jake always tried hard not to look up, as he hated responding to such insults. He felt that by acknowledging them he would only give McNeal the satisfaction of knowing that Jake actually believed that all of the insults were true.
"Hey Jake, come on man I'm just playin'. What's up man? What did you do this weekend?" For a second Jake looked up stunned and then all of a sudden McNeal came back with, "Nothing 'cuz you're a fuckin' loser," and then broke into an uncontrollable laughter with his two cronies. Mr Kallerman gave them all a quick look which silenced the boys for a moment. Then came the first major surprise of the day.
"Why don't you just leave him alone Ryan? He never did anything to you. Plus, I'm sure Jake had a much better weekend then you. What did you three do (now talking to McNeal, Hankerson, and Simmons)? Sit around playing video games all day talking about what girls you think are the hottest?" Not only had she taken the words right out of his mouth, but Jake stood stunned at the fact that Rachel Golding had just stood up for him out of nowhere.
Ryan of course couldn't just sit there and take the insult so he chose he words wisely and fired right back at Rachel. "Actually Rachel that was exactly the case. And you were the main topic of conversation. I couldn't stop thinking about that ass of yours. Track girls do have the best asses." Jake's blood started to boil he couldn't believe that Ryan would stoop so low; well he could but he hadn't heard him speak like that to Rachel before. McNeal went on high-fiving Hankerson and Simmons like he won some great victory until Golding fired back.
"You're gross and pathetic, don't talk to me.
"You know you love it," said McNeal as he balled up a piece of loose leaf paper and threw it at Golding's head. Not exactly a challenging throw being that he sat next to Rachel but Ryan still acted like he had once again achieved some glorious feat, and receiving high-fives and approval from his two followers.
"Cut it out you jerkoff. Leave her alone." Jake couldn't believe the words that had escaped his mouth. Neither could McNeal, Simmons, Hankerson, and anybody else in the vicinity that heard him, including Golding. They all turned and stared at this kid; the reject, the outcast who has just stood up to the closest thing to the king of the grade. By this point the teacher, Mr. Kallerman had caught on to the commotion and interjected.
"Excuse me, Mr. Fein and Mr. McNeal, is there a problem?" Jake looked at his Biology teacher and shook his head from side to side. Ryan McNeal was still slightly dazed by Jake's comments until he noticed the whole class waiting for him to respond to Mr. Kallerman.
"Yeah, yeah, everything's fine."
"I'm glad to hear that. Now if you two don't mind how about we carry on with today's lesson," said Kallerman before he returned to the days lecture on the difference between a plant cell and an animal cell. Jake sat in his chair with his heart still pounding with anger for the next few minutes. How could that creep Ryan say something like that to Rachel and then laugh about it. All Jake wanted to do was leap on out his chair and tackle Ryan to the ground but he knew that this wouldn't work out too well. First of all, Ryan was surrounded by two friends so the odds weren't in Jake's favor. Second, Rachel sat right next to Ryan and Jake didn't want her caught in the middle of the melee. He knew that his revenge would have to wait, but who was he kidding, he wasn't going to fight Ryan. Ryan was stronger, more athletic and had more friends, and what did Jake have? One good friend and no self-confidence or fight training. Oh well, he knew that one day he'd get Ryan back.
The rest of class went by without any problems. Ryan and his two bafoons likely didn't want to push their luck with Kallerman so they kept quiet and Rachel didn't give Ryan anymore come backs. When the bell rang and everyone shuffled from the door Jake kept his distance as usual, in an attempt to not attract attention or get caught up with Ryan or anyone else who liked to pick on Jake. Interestingly enough Rachel hung back a little bit too, probably trying to avoid any further altercations with Ryan. She didn't really notice Jake until they almost went through the door at the same time while they were leaving. They made eye contact and as usual Rachel smiled politely.
"Go ahead," said Jake in an attempt to be polite.
"Thanks," Rachel said as she casually exited the class. Here was his in, Jake knew he could feed off of this. He opened his mouth to say something when all of a sudden Ryan decided to interject his thoughts once again. Ryan had waited with by the door with Simmons and Hankerson, maybe for Jake or maybe for Rachel. Jake didn't know and didn't care, and little did he know that the events that would soon follow would completely change his and Ryan's relationship forever.
"Hey Rache, Rachel!" Ryan barked, until Rachel turned around and glared at him. "I'll see that ass later." Rachel just glared at Ryan and shook her head. She then turned to walk away and would have missed the action had she not heard the commotion in the hallway and turned back around. Right as Rachel turned Jake bolted for Ryan and was bent on tearing him to pieces. He had enough of Ryan's pompous and vulgar attitude, and the idea that he could say whatever he wanted to anyone in the school. Jake charge right for Ryan and the other students in the hallway instinctively parted and let him go through. For just a split second Jake thought he saw pure terror in Ryan McNeal's eyes. It was as if McNeal knew that Jake Fein had every intention of beating the living crap out of him, and that this loser outcast would be fueled by ten years of pent up rage towards his torturing peers. Jake was three feet away from drilling McNeal when all of a sudden Chris Simmons stuck out his right foot which sent Jake flying to the floor and crashing into the wall. Everyone in the hallway laughed hysterically. Ryan quickly crouched down with his knees on Jakes back pinning him to the ground; Simmons and Hankerson anxiously awaiting orders like soldiers from their commanding officer, to see if it was finally time to beat the crap out of the reject. McNeal leaned in close to Jake and said something that Jake would never forget.
Just when Jake tensed, expecting to receive a barrage of punches and kicks he heard the sound of his salvation, or rather the voice of his salvation, Mr. Kallerman. "McNeal, explain yourself immediately. What are you doing, and why is Fein on the ground?"
All of a sudden Jake felt himself lifted off the ground and dusted off. To his shock it was McNeal who lifted him up and who all of a sudden began speaking in a completely poised way. "Oh, hey Mr. Kallerman. Jake slipped and crashed into the wall and I was just helping him up. Isn't that right guys?" Ryan motioned to Simmons and Hankerson who in unison shook their heads up and down.
"Is that how it went Jake? Are they telling the truth?" Kallerman asked Jake. At this point Jake found himself in a conundrum. He could rat out his attackers and let them recieve the maximum punishment, but what would that do to his social standing. Not only would he be an outcast and a loser, but on top of that he'd be a narc and according to McNeal, a liar. Jake had to think quick so he looked at Kallerman and muttereed, "It's fine, no big. I slipped."
"Alright then, everyone off to homeroom, nothing to see here." All of the students scattered back to their homerooms and Kallerman stood there for a second as he watched Jake and Ryan part ways. Right as Ryan was about to turn and walk away he mouthed the words 'fuckin' faggot' to Jake and then continued onto Homeroom with Simmons and Hankerson. Jake turned around and made his way to his own homeroom. How embarrassing was that? He knew that by lunch the whole school would be talking about how Ryan McNeal kicked Jake Fein's ass in the hallway. Once again the king reclaims his spot on the throne and the bottom-feeder is shown his place on the social ladder. Jake grew so angry he wanted to punch the wall but instead he continued on regretting one thing. Rachel wasn't even there to see him stand up for her. That could have been the one positive that came from the whole incident and she bolted like everyone else. Maybe she wasn't special, maybe she was just another face in the crowd.
* * *
"Well that was officially the worst day ever," Jake said to himself as soon as he walked in the door and plopped down on his couch. Social suicide once again, and once again Ryan McNeal had come out on top. As expected at lunch and in all the rest of his classes everyone was glaring at Jake and whispering as soon as he walked by. He would see his classmates receive text messages and then look at him and whisper to one another. Different rumors spread around about what happened. Jake's favorite was that he had apparently made a crack about Ryan's mom, who had left him when he was younger, and then Ryan responded by beating the crap out of Jake. "It's amazing how quickly rumors can form, morph, and travel," Jake thought.
Jake turned on the TV after doing his homework for his usual nightly routine of watching the Simpsons and Home Improvement reruns on Fox. After that he'd either surf the web or play computer games until he had to go to his room and finish the rest of his homework that he had procrastinated, only to wake up and do everything all over again. He was watching a Simpsons rerun when all of a sudden the phone rang. Jake's mom was in the kitchen preparing dinner and his sister was over a friends house so he went over and answered the phone.
"Hello."
"Hi is Jake there?" Said a girl's voice. For a second Jake didn't know what to do, his heart skipped a beat. Was it who he thought it was, was it Rachel? And was Rachel calling him? How did she get his number? Directory probably but still, why? It couldn't be Rachel, and if so was this a joke what was going on and was she serious and-"Um hello? anyone there?".
"Sorry, It's Jake who's this?"
"It's Rachel, Rachel Golding. How are you doing? I heard about what happened with Ryan at school."
"Yeah that was pretty embarrassing but I'm fine. I'm sure everyone will stop talking about it after a week, you know how high school is. The next rumor will come and nobody will care anymore."
"Haha, yeah you're so right. Listen Jake, I'm really sorry about what happened because I know you were standing up for me. You stood up for me first in class and then when Ryan made that second wise crack outside. You didn't have to do that and I feel so bad about what happened and what he did to you. He's always picking on you for no reason and you really don't need that. Basically I wanted to say I'm sorry about what happened and thanks for standing up for me, it was really sweet."
"Oh wow, so you saw the whole thing huh? I thought you left, when I got up I looked around and you were gone." Jake couldn't believe it, he was still slightly in shock. He felt so awkward and every time he said something he immediately wanted to take it back. "That was so stupid, why did you say that," he would say to himself in his head. "Relax, it's fine, she called you just take it easy."
"I was walking away and then when everyone started laughing I turned around and saw you on the ground. I didn't know what happened and then someone said you ran at Ryan and Chris tripped you. I felt so bad and I wanted to help but I didn't know what to do. I knew you wanted to hit Ryan because of what he said to me and then Mr. Kallerman came out and I knew it was over so I left. People filled me in on the rest later, how you didn't say Ryan provoked it or anything."
"Yeah I figured there was no point. He would have gotten a detention or something and I wasn't hurt so I didn't care. What, do you think that was dumb?"
"No, I mean whatever you think was best. I just thought it was really sweet that you stood up for me, no guy's ever done something like that and I wanted to say thank you." Jake was shocked he didn't know what to say. He tried to mutter something but it just came out as gibberish. "I'm sorry, what was that," Rachel asked.
"You're welcome, really it was nothing." Jake paused. He had never spoken to a girl on the phone like this before and didn't know what to say. How was he supposed to make small talk. He began to grow nervous until Rachel took over again.
"Sorry my phone's been acting up lately. Um yeah, pizza or movies sounds good. Is your number in the directory? I assume that's where you got mine."
"Yep I'm listed. Call me sometime and let me know if you want to hang out. Plus I'll see you in class."
"Sounds good, I'll see you around, take care."
"You too, bye."
Jake couldn't believe it, did that actually happen. In one day Jake Fein had committed social suicide only to find out that he may have finally gotten the attention of his dream girl. And now she wanted to actually spend time with him outside of school. He couldn't believe it actually happened. Was it a joke? Well, if so quite a cruel joke, but still if it was real what an amazing twist to his life. Jake put the phone down and walked over to his room and laid down on his bed staring up at the ceiling. For the first time in a while Jake was happy and he could feel his goofy, boyish grin making it's way from one ear to the other. He finally had the attention of a girl.
hey yonni! I basically have two comments.
ReplyDeleteFirst, the pacing needs some work. In the first few paragraphs you just describe everyone in the situation, then later get into what is actually happening. I think the reader might connect better if those traits could be worked into the actual action of the story. At moments of where the plot turns it is important to slow down the action, really try to see it from the character's point of view.
An example, you wrote: Jake couldn't believe the words that had escaped his mouth. Neither could McNeal, Simmons, Hankerson, and anybody else in the vicinity that heard him, including Golding...(ect)
instead try: as the words escaped his mouth, McNeal, Simmons and Hankerson turned to look at him. McNeal himself momentarily looked stunned, but he quickly recovered, a scowl forming as the wheels turning in his head created a slew of new insults. Jake drew a breath, ready for the onslaught of humiliation, but before Ryan opened his mouth, their teacher appeared out of nowhere.... (ect)
If you write it that way you learn about the characters without having to spell it out. It's important to show not tell. This is especially important with the girl. You want us to feel how nice she is, not just be told it. Try describing when the two of them sit down for class
Second, right now you seem to be writing in third person omniscient. I would recommend experimenting with first person. It would give you an opportunity to find a real voice for Jake. Right now he is a little bland. Especially because he normally doesn't speak in class, it is important to know what he is thinking in his head. Is he sarcastic,secretly hilarious, neurotic, paranoid, depressed? Writing in first person could make him more sympathetic. Right now we're on his side because he's just obviously not a jerk. But in first person we could see the story through his eyes and then really connect with him.
I think that's it. keep working at it! in all my creative writing classes, I always cringed when it came time to get critiqued, but it was so worthwhile in the end!