Finally caught up on Californication

I feel compelled to write more today.  Maybe it' because I slacked for a couple of days or maybe it's because I just got almost totally caught up on Californication, my favorite show ever.  I want to be Hank Moody, and honestly who doesn't.  It's crazy how it seems like he always finishes both first and last.  He gets the hottest girls but messes up things with his family, and the guy is always honest.  I don't know I just think he's gonna be me when I get older.  Always going into situations with honorable and honest intentions and then walking out screwed at the end.  Kind of funny coming from me; I guess I'm supposed to be an optimist, but maybe deep down I just expect to get screwed over by everyone and everything.  Oh well, what can you do but keep moving on.  I guess Hank and I just have different coping mechanisms.  He uses cigarettes and  whiskey (or maybe it's bourbon or scotch, either way a brown/amberish liquor that I'm almost positive isn't rum).  If it was me it would probably be vodka and hookah but hey, it's hypothetical.  Something in that show and that character has just clicked with me from the very first moment I started watching it.  I've never felt so connected and drawn to a character in a fictional movie or TV show than I do to Hank Moody. 

Especially tonight when he was talking to his lawyer (Carla Gugino super hot by the way) and she was explaining how he's this writer with this total dark personality and exterior, but how on the inside he wants to white picket fence and the family.  Something about that part just connected with me, it was like 'woah that's totally how I feel about myself.'  Sure I want the family with the wife and kids some day but sometimes I feel like there's plenty of darkness brewing inside me as well.  Not like psychotic darkness or anything, I'm pretty non-violent and I haven't physically harmed anyone since middle school (unless you count hits in sports games but those were part of the game).  I'm not entirely sure what I'm getting at only to say that I can relate to Hank Moody.  I try to go through life being honest and doing nice things for people and it often blows up in my face.  Especially with ladies, I am terrible with ladies.  I'm not afraid to say it, I suck with girls.  Whether it's a relationship, or a hookup, or a friend, I always manage to either choose the wrong one or mess it up in some way (side note: especially closing the deal for a random hookup I usually fail epically).  I don't know sometimes I feel like I'm just destined to be single, like I wasn't hard-wired to co-exist with a female as my life partner.  I'm not gay, definitely have never had any types of sexual feelings for a guy, and I love women, I just wonder if I'll be able to find one that I will want to spend the rest of my life with (and during that span be mostly happy with such a lady).  There you go, there's some of that darkness coming out that I was hinting at.  Is it possible I wonder that some people are just kind of programmed differently, and aren't meant to settle down for the white picket fence lifestyle? Who knows, but if it's true I think I could be one of them.